


Paying Penance

by ravensjaprentiss0209



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:28:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26940676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravensjaprentiss0209/pseuds/ravensjaprentiss0209
Summary: First chapter is based off of S8E15 "Broken". JJ realizes that her personal trauma from youth is the reason that she lets Emily leave without telling her how she feels. Now, she makes a decision to try and win Emily back....by surprising her in London.CW/Mention of conversion therapy
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 29
Kudos: 83





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Criminal Minds or characters.

It was SSA Blake who noticed it in JJ first. Something about that seemed really ironic to JJ. The woman who replaced Emily was the one who noticed why JJ had felt so empty for the last 8 months.

The case in Austin had been especially rough for JJ, it was one of those rare cases where she could almost sympathize with the unsub. The minute the victimology made sense to JJ, she started to have these startling memories of her own youth. But it wasn’t until they had found Paul Westin on the floor, cradling Mitch, his father had been shot and was lying only 5 feet from them. His sleeve was pulled back revealing the track marks on his arm. 

“Paul, you are a victim,” Morgan said. His pistol was trained on Paul, his voice was steady and commanding, but JJ noted that it was actually comforting. He really meant it. “Paul, there are others being victimized right now that you can help.”

Paul turned his gun on himself, pressed it to his temple. The only person he ever loved lay lifeless in his arms, and it was Paul’s fault. He knew it. Morgan watched him, watched his eyes flit from his father, to Mitchell, and back to Morgan.

“Wouldn’t Mitchell want you to do everything possible to make sure that nobody else suffered your same fate?” Morgan asked quietly. He had struck a chord. Slowly, Paul dropped his gun and put his hands up in surrender. 

Morgan was gentle with him, carefully sliding back his watch to reveal more marks around his wrist. He looked up at Hotch, a fire alight in his eyes, and Hotch nodded. JJ was relieved to know that they would be shutting down Camp Willing. 

At Camp Willing, JJ took control immediately. CPS steered the teens towards the bus that they had brought along to take the children into custody. Officers set about arresting staff, but JJ knew exactly where she needed to take her team. “Follow me,” she commanded, circling the garage and heading back towards the standalone building at the edge of the woods. It was the one that was padlocked, the sign that read “Notice: Keep this door closed.”

A member of her team broke the lock, and they pushed into the room, weapons drawn. JJ knew, deep down in the pit of her stomach, exactly what they would find, and yet as she laid her eyes on the rows of chairs, a wave of anger washed over her. There were easily a dozen boys hooked up to an IV drip of drugs. They were restrained, their eyes fixed on the screen ahead of them. JJ turned to see scene after scene of women in various porn films flashing across the screen, and immediately felt sick to her stomach. They made quick work of unhooking the boys and assisting them out. These ones needed to go straight to the hospital. 

After they wrapped up the case, Hotch said that he would treat them to a Texas steak dinner. He had determined that they would stay in their hotel one more night, and head back to Quantico in the morning. The team was grateful, the mood already significantly lighter as they left the police station. Hotch had told them to meet at the restaurant in an hour, giving them time to go back to their rooms and wash off the dirt and grime of a hard day’s work and an exhausting case. 

Back at the hotel, they headed to their rooms. Before JJ could separate from the group, Blake grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her aside. 

“Agent Jareau,” she said quietly, leading her away from the others. They were still in the awkward “formal” part of their relationship, what with Blake being so new to the team, and they still addressed one another as agent. “Can we talk for a second?”

“Of course,” JJ said, plastering a smile across her face as she turned to face the older woman. 

“This might not be my place,” she began. She spoke barely above a whisper so that if any of the team was straggling behind, they couldn’t hear the two women. “It just seems to me that that case affected you on a more personal level. I… I wanted to see if you were okay?”

JJ forced a smile, though she hadn’t cried yet, and knew that she needed to. She could feel the tears forming, the lump in her throat, though she held it back. “I… yeah,” she said, though Blake wasn’t sure which question she was trying to answer.”

“Listen, if you need to talk,” Blake said kindly, placing a hand on JJ’s shoulder. JJ nodded, weighing the options. She lingered, smiling at the other woman, though it didn’t seem that she wanted to talk. After a few seconds, Blake turned. “Okay,” she said as she made to leave. 

“I…wait,” JJ said, and Blake stopped. JJ didn’t like being profiled by the team, but she knew that this team there was no one to blame but herself. Her reaction to this case was completely involuntary, but it was there. And Blake was smart, like an older woman version of Reid. In a lot of ways, JJ felt like Blake was a mother figure. She trusted her. “Look, when I was kid I… my parents were very religious. My mom is a kind woman, and I love her dearly. She didn’t know what my dad did.”

Blake gestured towards a bench against the wall, and the two women crossed and sat. JJ stared at her hands as she spoke, fearing the vulnerability. She would tell her story, but she couldn’t look Blake in the eyes as she did it. “When I was 14, my dad caught me and a friend,” JJ continued. Her voice sounded hollow, far away. “We weren’t doing anything wrong. We were laying together on the couch, her arms around my waist. We were usually so careful, but we had fallen asleep so we didn’t hear him coming.

“He sent her home, told me she wasn’t welcome at the house ever again. He told me that we were wrong, that we were dirty,” she continued. Her mouth had gone dry, and the words sounded coarse coming out of her mouth. “He said that he wasn’t doing his job as a parent and that he needed to fix me.”

“Oh, god,” Blake said quietly, barely more than a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

“He sent me to one of those… camps,” she said, tears threatening to fall now, her voice shaking. Blake put a comforting hand on her back, rubbing circles. “I was only allowed two visitors while I was there. Him and my uncle Greg. They…” 

JJ didn’t have to say it. The implication angered Blake, she felt her skin burning hot, the anger rising. JJ continued. “I forced myself to be with men after that camp,” she said quietly. “I didn’t want to, didn’t like it. But it’s what I was supposed to do. I tried to force myself to forget what I felt for other women. Poor Paul.”

“Is that why she left?” Blake asked. She startled herself, she hadn’t meant to wonder aloud. JJ’s head snapped up. She knew what Blake meant, and she had wondered the same thing for herself. This was more a confirmation to her than a question. 

“I have to talk to Hotch,” JJ said abruptly, getting to her feet and taking off down the hall. She didn’t stop running until she was in front of his door, pounding it with her fists. 

“JJ?” Hotch asked, immediate concern flashing across his face. He looked at the out of breath woman before him, slightly disheveled, panting, a spark in her eyes that he hadn’t seen in months. “Everything okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said. “I have to go to London.”

Hotch couldn’t help the smile that split over his usually emotionless face. It was toothy, reaching his eyes, and he nodded. “About damn time,” he said with a simple nod. 

JJ couldn’t waste any time. She took off running down the hall towards her room. She was highly organized, and on cases, her things barely left her suitcase. She would take the fastest shower of her life, and immediately leave for the airport. 

She didn’t even take the time to make sure her shower was hot, she washed her hair, shaved as best she could in the mere 10 minutes that she gave herself, and got out. She ran a brush through her tangled hair, but decided she’d let it air dry. She threw on her last set of clean clothes, making a mental note to call Garcia from the car. If anyone could help her pull off a little magic, it was her PG, Oracle of Quantico. She composed a brief text message to her supervisor, to let him know her plan.

JJ: Flight leaves AUS in 30, w stop at IAD. Won’t hit London til 12 tmrw. I thnk that's 5pm in London. LYK plan frm there. -JJ

Aaron Hotchner: Got it. Already called you a cab. Waiting out front. Good luck. -Hotch

JJ smiled at her phone and left the hotel. Sure enough, the cab was on the curb in front of the hotel. The driver got out and circled the car. He took JJ’s bag and threw it in the trunk while JJ climbed into the backseat. 

“Austin International,” she said, and the driver nodded, pulling away from the curb. JJ checked her phone to see the ETA at the airport. Her smile widened as the seconds ticked by, and she made a mental note to thank Hotch for setting them up so near the jet strip. 15 minutes. That gave her time to call Garcia and coordinate. 

“You have reached Penelope Garcia, in the office of Supreme Genius, how may I direct your call,” came the cheery voice on the other end of the phone.

“Pen, the case ended over an hour ago,” JJ said, checking her watch. “What’re you still doing in the office?”

“Just powering down my babies,” Garcia replied, and Emily distinctly heard her tapping at the keyboard. “What’s up, sexy lady?”  
“I’m headed to the airport,” JJ began. “I have something to take care of, I’m going to be gone for a couple of days. Do you still have the spare key to my apartment?”

“Of course,” Garcia said, jingling her keychain next to the receiver. “What do you need me to do?”

“I have a layover at IAD,” JJ replied. “I need you to pick up a few outfits from my house and drop them off to me at the airport.”

“Your ‘I need you to’ is my command, sweet cheeks,” Garcia said. That was something JJ loved about her friend, you could trust Penelope to come through on anything.

“Thanks, PG. I owe you,” JJ said. 

“Can I ask where you’re going?” Garcia asked, a sly twang in her voice. 

“You’ll find out soon enough,” JJ laughed at her.

“Okay, okay,” she returned. “How long do I have? And is the boy with his dad this weekend?”

“Shit,” JJ said, suddenly remembering the arrangement with Will. She was supposed to pick up Henry tomorrow morning, after they got back to DC.

“No worries, Auntie Penny is all over it,” Garcia said. “I can pick him up from Will’s tomorrow morning, Henry can hang with his godmomma this weekend.”

“You really are the best,” JJ said warmly.

“You’re only sayin’ that cause it’s true,” Garcia was beaming. 

“My flight leaves in half an hour, I’ll be landing in DC at 1900. I’ll text you with my shopping list,” JJ said, making a mental note of all the outfits she wanted. “We’re pulling up to the airport now, I gotta go.”

“Be safe out there, Jay” Garcia said, and disconnected. 

JJ handed the driver a small wad of cash as he pulled up to a stop and popped the trunk. She bounded out of the car and grabbed her suitcase, then hurried into the airport, beelining for the ticket desk. 

“A ticket to London, please,” she said, pulling her wallet out of the front of her bag. She watched as the woman typed away at the computer. 

“We have a few tickets left on a nonstop flight, one with a layover at JFK, one at Atlanta International, and one with a layover at IAD,” she read off the screen.

“The stop at IAD is fine,” JJ said, pulling out her credit card and ID.

“That’s going to be $6500 roundtrip,” the woman said, selecting the flight. 

“Just one-way, if that’s okay?” JJ said.

“Of course, that’s a better deal anyway. Only $885.” The woman printed her ticket and smiled kindly, directing her towards her gate.

Once aboard the flight, JJ composed her text to Penelope.

JJ: K, PG. 5 outfits. My good suitcase is in my closet, bottom right hand side. I need my hot jeans—you know the ones. There’s a red and grey checkered button down in my closet, too, and a pair of Docs. The red dress from that lady’s night, and the strappy heals. The other three are on you, you know what looks good.

Penelope: Got u hot stuff. I get to know where ur goin yet?

JJ: Not yet. But dressing to impress.

Penelope: U always do.

JJ: Thnks Garcia.

Penelope: I’ll b waiting at the gate. Won’t flash my creds illegally to get there… I promise…

JJ: Txt u when I land

JJ smiled and settled into her chair, putting her phone on airplane mode. She closed her eyes and listened absent mindedly to the take-off presentation. 11 hours and 55 minutes and she would be in London.


	2. II

When JJ landed at Dulles, she texted Garcia. As soon as she got off the plane and walked into the terminal, Garcia was standing there, a large coffee and a suitcase held out for JJ. 

“You flashed your creds,” JJ laughed. Garcia blushed, nodding slowly.

“It was the only way they’d let me come to the gate!” she protested. “Now will you PLEASE tell me where you’re going?”

JJ laughed, but shook her head. In fact, she needed to ask Hotch and Blake not to say anything, though she was positive they wouldn’t. No one could know until she knew what was going to happen. “It’s just a family thing.”

Garcia maintained her bubbly personality, though she looked slightly deflated. “Well. Here’s your clothes, the red dress, the sexy grunge outfit, and a few things that I hope are what you were looking for. I also packed your headphones, cancel out some of the sounds of the flight,” she said, handing over the bag and coffee. “I will pick your boy up first thing in the morning. I’m thinking waffles for breakfast, then we’ll do a picnic lunch, maybe see if his Uncle Chocolate Thunder and his GodPapa are free. We can play soccer or let my man teach him some baseball. Hop him all up on sugar and a movie the night before his momma get’s back.”

“Oh, joy,” JJ said, shaking her head at her antics. “Take good care of him, and Pen? Thank you.”

“Anything for you,” Garcia smiled. “Travel safely, I’ll see you in a few days. By the way, I slipped two melatonin pills into your bag, hoping you get some sleep.”

“Send pictures of the boy, I’ll pay the international,” JJ said, and she wrapped her quirky friend in a warm hug. “Look, my flight is boarding and I have to go. I’ll let you know when I land. Thanks again, PG.”

With that, Garcia left the airport and JJ wandered to the other end of the building. The plane was already boarding when she walked up, and she made her way to the back of the line. She opened her phone and sent another text.

JJ: Hey, don’t tell anyone where I’m going. Not yet. -JJ

She sent the same message to both Hotch and Agent Blake, and within seconds had the same reply from the both of them. A simple “of course not.” She returned her phone to airplane mode and put it away as she neared the attendant checking tickets. Hers was scanned and she made her way onto the plane. It was mostly full, and her seat was right near the front. She grabbed her headphones from the side pocket and then stowed her suitcase in the overhead and took her seat. She swallowed the pills Garcia had left for her and laid her head back against the chair. Sleep took her more quickly than she expected.

The rest of the trip from the states to London was smooth, and just after 5, she was disembarking from the plane. She pulled her small suitcase from the overhead, and waited patiently for her turn to walk off the plane. 

Once she was inside of the airport, she turned her phone back on. A thought had occurred to her about halfway through the flight: she didn’t know where Emily lived in London. The hadn’t exactly spoken for the last 8 months. JJ understood, she knew that she had royally fucked up, had hurt Emily. She hoped that it wasn’t too late. 

JJ dialed the number, and it didn’t even get through a full ring when it was picked up. “Morgan,” came the voice on the other end. 

“Listen, Derek,” JJ began. “I need to count on you to be discreet about this. I’m gonna tell you something but you cannot tell anyone. Not even Garcia.”

Morgan’s face fell, he seemed concerned. “What is it, Jay?”

“I’m in London,” she said. Morgan didn’t need anything else, he just chuckled lightly.

“About damn time.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” JJ rolled her eyes. “Never mind. Look, I don’t know the address.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Morgan understood immediately. “I’ll send it to you. She’s still workin’ and usually isn’t off until about 7 there. There is a hidden key, but it ain’t easy to find. If you tell her I said this, you’re dead, you hear me?” JJ smiled but agreed, and Morgan continued. “It’s not near her door, I mean of course it’s not. You know who we’re talkin’ ‘bout. What you’re gonna do is you’re gonna approach the building. Before you even go inside, you’re going to turn right and walk two doors down. There’s a bush kinda shaped like a head, outside and to the right of that second door. Under the bush is a rock. It’s one of them hide-a-rock things. The spare’s in there.”  
“Thank you Derek,” she said, taking mental note. “And Morgan? I mean it. Not a word, to anyone. Or you’re dead.”

Derek chuckled and resigned. “I’m sending the address now,” he said. “And hey, baby, good luck.”

JJ smiled as she hung up. She headed outside and hailed a cab. Once seated inside, she checked her messages. Derek had sent the address.

Morgan: Address is Palace View, 131 Lamberth Road. She’s in the penthouse. And seriously kid. Get lucky ;)

JJ gave the address to the cabby, and he told her it was a 35 minute drive. “I’ll pay you double if you can get me there in 25,” JJ said, and the man smiled and nodded. 

“I can do ye one better than tha’,” he said with a toothy grin. “I’ll get ye there in 20.”

“Perfect,” JJ said. “You’re my hero.”

The cabby made polite conversation as he drove, asking JJ about her life in the states, what brought her across the pond. He told her that her story sounded quite charmed. And true to his word, in 20 minutes, they were pulling up in front of one of the most beautiful apartment buildings JJ had ever seen. She got out and the cabby pulled out her bag and handed it to her, and JJ paid him, including a hefty tip. The man smiled kindly, thanked her, and then drove away.

JJ turned back to the building. Go figure, this would be were the bougie Ms. Emily Prentiss lives. She took it all in. It was a beautiful area. From the front steps of the building, she could see a gorgeous river, and there was a park right across the street. The buildings were all yellow brick with clean walkways and quiet streets.

She turned to the right and walked two doors down, just like Morgan said. True to his word, there was a bush, and a rock. She removed the rock from the bed and slid the bottom off. There was a small brass key inside, and took it, replacing the rock at the base of the bush. She ran her thumb along the key.

JJ had rehearsed the speech repeatedly on the flight, and about a hundred different variations. Her main points were “I’m sorry” and “I screwed up” always followed by “I love you, and I always have.” She made her way into the building. There was something about this that still felt so surreal to her.

Inside the building was somehow more immaculate than outside. The floors were pristine what marble, and the surfaces were polished mahogany with brass hardware. Straight across from the door was an elevator, or as she should probably call it, a lift. 

Standing right outside of the elevator was an older gentleman. He wore fitted slacks and a pristine white button down. His bowtie was red, and his waistcoat was navy blue. His shoes were polished, so much so that JJ could see her own reflection. And his white gloves were spotless.

“Good evening, ma’am,” he said, tipping his head at her. His hair was perfectly combed, not a single stray piece, and his top lip housed a perfectly curled mustache. He was the stereotype of a British doorman, JJ thought. “I haven’t seen you around here before. Visiting?”

“Yeah,” JJ said, smiling warmly at the man. “It’s a surprise, though, so I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t tell her I’m here.”

“Of course,” he said, opening the lift for her. “Who are you visiting?”

“Emily Prentiss,” JJ said with a grin.

“Ah, lovely,” he said, before she could say anymore. His smile told JJ that he regarded the older woman quite fondly. He pressed the large P at the top of the panel. “She hasn’t had visitors in a while, it’s kind of you to be here.”

The ride to the penthouse was a short one, and he once again tipped her hat as JJ stepped of the lift. “Thank you,” JJ said. “This might be a dumb question but, am I supposed to tip you?”

She held up several bills, and the doorman smiled kindly. “Americans often try to tip us, but it’s not really customary.”

“Is it offensive?”

He laughed a soft belly laugh, his eyes twinkling. “Not offensive, no,” he answered. “Tell ye what, next time ye head into town, bring me back a decent bottle of ale, and we’ll call it even.”

JJ didn’t know what it was the compelled her to hug this man, but she did. “Oh,” he said in a soft voice, and he returned the hug. “You Americans are quite affectionate, aren’t you?” JJ laughed and left him blushing as she went to unlock the door.

She felt awkward, like she shouldn’t be exploring Emily’s apartment without the older woman being home, but she did want Emily to be surprised by her presence, and she needed to pee. So she set about looking around Emily’s apartment. 

Everything about it just screamed Emily. There was a fireplace in every room, and vaulted ceilings. On the first floor, just off the main entrance, there were three bedrooms. At first, JJ assumed the one directly to the right of the front door was the master bedroom. There was a walk-in closet and a grand bathroom attached. 

JJ was impressed by all of the fixtures. The walls were clean white, the doors sleek black. The floors were a light grey hardwood. The kitchen, dining room and living room were all open concept, with floor to ceiling windows overlooking a balcony. But the most impressive thing of all was that the house was dome shaped, giving a panoramic view of the whole city, the river, the street. In the main living room, there was a set of stairs. Curiosity got the better of JJ and she walked up and into what was actually the master bedroom. 

There were three rooms on this whole floor, and a large terrace. Three doors opened onto the terrace from around the room. There was another door, which opened into what appeared to be a home office, with filing cabinets and a massive desk. Then there was the door to the bathroom. 

In the middle of the bathroom was a massive bathtub set into the floor, and a glass shower in one corner. Two sinks were across from the shower, and a separate, tiny room for the toilet. The house was magnificent. JJ used the restroom, and then ventured back out into the master bedroom. She set her bag down and sat on the bed. Memory foam, with a plush comforter, and silk pillowcases. God, JJ was in love with this house. 

She looked around the room, making note of all the abstract art pieces hanging in beautiful frames, until her eyes settled on one frame in particular. It was sitting on the nightstand beside the bed. In the photo, the raven-haired woman had her arm around the blonde woman. JJ was looking into the camera, but Emily’s eyes were resting on JJ. The love and adoration was impossible to miss, and yet JJ had, for years. She felt stupid.

Suddenly, her stomach churned. Was this a mistake? Should she have just stayed away? She heard a voice from downstairs, and knew it was too late to question it now.

“Hello?” the voice called, echoing throughout the house. JJ realized that she forgot to relock the door behind her, and Emily probably noticed. She was quite vigilant in that way. JJ strained her ears to hear the woman’s footsteps. They were light, uneven, as if she was sneaking around her own home. Door after door creaked open, as Emily checked for the intruder. “Is someone here?”

JJ could hear the footsteps creeping up the stairs now. She was sure Emily was armed, and decided it would be wise to announce herself. “I’m upstairs,” she called out, and she heard the footsteps stop.

Emily would recognize that voice anywhere. The color drained from her face and she holstered her gun, continuing the ascent to her bedroom. She stood in the doorway, staring at the beautiful blonde who sat on the end of her bed. 

Both women simply stared, speechless. They hadn’t spoken since that night, and neither knew how to begin.


	3. III

Emily stared at the younger blonde woman, her mouth slightly agape. She was shocked, and wanted to be excited to see JJ, but there was a lot on her mind, happening all at once, and it kept her from processing everything. Instead, she stood, frozen. 

“Hey,” JJ choked out, her voice barely above a whisper. She smiled a genuine smile, and her eyes were brimming with tears. 

“H-hey,” Emily croaked, shaking slightly out of her stupor. “JJ, what- what are you doing here?”

“I had to see you,” JJ said, finally standing from the bed. She crossed the room and stopped less than a foot from Emily. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. 

God, she missed the way Emily smelled. JJ remembered that Emily used men’s hygiene products, a lemongrass and cypress oil shampoo, and the spicy soapy scent of her Old Spice deodorant. And she always smelled like leather, from the jacket she was constantly wearing. Every once in a while, JJ would get the faintest whiff of cigarettes. Though Emily wouldn’t admit it, JJ knew that she’d never managed to kick the habit, sneaking the occasional cigarette after a long day. And god, the smell of coffee on her, which she drank from dawn until dusk.

“No,” Emily whispered. “What are you doing here? We haven’t spoken for eight months, JJ. The last time, I said…And you-”

JJ cut her off. “I was an idiot,” she said apologetically. She looked down at her shoes, and her mouth went dry. She had rehearsed it over and over again, but the words escaped her.

“JJ, I told you that I was in love with you,” Emily said. She sounded hurt, and sad. “You didn’t say anything. I told you I was going to go, and I… I wanted you to tell me not to.”

“I wanted to tell you not to!” JJ interjected. “It was… It was a weird time, I was at my wedding, I was overwhelmed. I was hurt that you wanted to leave, so soon after we got you back and I just…”

“You just what JJ?” Emily asked sharply. She pushed past the blonde and sat on the edge of the bed, glaring up at her former coworker who stood frozen in the door. 

“This isn’t how this was supposed to go,” JJ whispered to herself. She shook her head, closing her eyes and try to ground herself. She wanted to start from the beginning. 

“And how was it supposed to go?” Emily spat the words at her. It startled JJ and she turned to face the angry woman shooting daggers at her from across the room. “What, did you think you were going to come in here, and I’d just welcome you with open arms? That things would just go back to the way they were? Well you’re wrong. JJ, you have no idea what it was like.”

“You’re right,” JJ said. “Look, I fucked up, and I’m sorry. God, Em, I am so sorry.” 

“How did you even get here?” Emily asked. It occurred to her that they hadn’t spoken since Emily left the FBI, and that would mean JJ had no way of knowing where she lived. 

“Can I start from the beginning?” JJ asked quietly, once again dropping her gaze from Emily’s. “Can I take you to dinner, can I at least try to explain myself?” 

Emily stared at her. Though JJ wouldn’t meet her eyes anymore, she could feel it. It made her uneasy, the way she was being studied, and she crossed her arms defensively across her body. Emily had to admit, she looked quite pitiful standing there like a child who was caught doing wrong. “Fine,” she spoke finally, pursing her lips. 

“Thank you,” JJ said, allowing a soft smile, though the tears were still there. “I don’t know the area that well, I’m new in town. Is there somewhere specific you’d like to go?”

“You didn’t plan this far?” Emily asked with a snort.

“I just… I wasn’t sure you’d say yes in the first place,” JJ said. Emily was being quite hostile towards her, and it hurt, though JJ knew that she deserved it. “I’ll find something.”

“I’m sorry,” Emily said. JJ sounded crestfallen, and Emily wasn’t trying to hurt her, she was just really surprised. “Look, you find us somewhere to eat, and I’m going to shower. It’s been a long day. You can stay in any one of the rooms downstairs. The one to the right when you first walk in has the good bathroom.”

Emily stood and walked into the bathroom on the other side of the bedroom, leaving JJ to collect her suitcase and head downstairs. Once downstairs, she sat on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest. She was going to need a new approach if she was going to really get Emily to hear her. 

She heard the shower, and set about searching the web for a good place to eat. She wanted to take Emily somewhere really nice, to show her how much it mattered. She found a gorgeous Russian restaurant, only a short drive from Emily’s home.

After the reservation was made, JJ got to her feet and slipped into the bathroom in her bedroom. It really was gorgeous. Emily was really organized, and everything about her home reflected that. She turned on the shower and peeled off her outfit from last night. She had never felt so sore after a day of travel. 

Upstairs, Emily was in the shower, allowing the hot water cascade down her front. She leaned against the wall of the shower upstairs, hot tears mixing with the steam hitting her face. She was angry. Angry with JJ for just showing up like this, angry with herself for kind of liking it. She felt like she was in the power here, and she liked that. She was hurt that it took 8 months for JJ to seem to want to make an effort. 

Emily had thought about JJ every day for the last 8 months, thought about everything that had happened between them. It’s not like she didn’t know about the divorce. Mere months after JJ and Will were married, according to Garcia, it “wasn’t working out.” Emily knew what that meant, she had heard the way Will spoke to JJ over the phone while they were on cases, when they met up with the team for drinks. Will was controlling and belligerent, and Emily knew that JJ had only married him for their son. It was no surprise that it didn’t last. 

But still, Emily deserved an explanation. She felt as though she had been mistreated. In a way, that she had been led on by her best friend, and the girl that she wanted more than she had ever wanted anyone else. She couldn’t ignore the fact that she had had her heart broken. 

After she finished showering and was dressed in her best suit, she headed downstairs to find JJ. The woman she saw standing in the foyer took her breath away. There JJ was, standing in that red dress that she had worn on one of their last lady’s nights. It was Emily’s favorite dress that the younger woman owned. It was the dress that didn’t leave much to the imagination. Emily distinctly remembered the first time she saw JJ in it, her mouth went dry, she felt that familiar heat in her stomach. Garcia had poked fun at her all night, because Emily’s eyes kept wandering to that perfect ass draped in red fabric. So this is how JJ was going to play it.

“I uh…” Emily stuttered, her eyes lingering a little longer than she intended on JJ’s cleavage. “Where are we headed?”

“I already called a cab,” JJ said, opening the door to lead Emily outside. They called the lift and waited patiently for the doorman to return. JJ watched Emily closely as they stood, and could swear there was the faintest blush in Emily’s cheeks. And of course she had noticed Emily stutter when she saw JJ. 

“Twice in one evening?” he asked as the door opened for them. “Must be my lucky day.” 

“Forever the charmer, Peter,” Emily said warmly, clearing her throat and stepping into the lift, shoulder to shoulder with him. JJ watched the man light up when Emily spoke to him, and it melted her heart. Emily did have a way of enchanting everyone she met. 

“Where are you lovely ladies headed tonight?” he asked, noticing the tension in the lift and trying his best to diffuse it.

“A surprise,” Emily winked at him. JJ recognized the smile he betrayed as they descended. It was the same smile Rossi gave when he had just finished profiling the shit out of someone. 

“Well, have a good evening then,” he said with a courteous tip of his hat and a wink as the door opened. The women stepped out into the breeze, which was much cooler than JJ was expecting. It sent an immediate chill through her spine, which she tried her best to cover. Emily noticed, and smiled despite herself. She slipped off her jacket and draped it over JJ’s shoulders.

“Thanks,” JJ whispered, unsure what to make of the gesture. Emily had truly been in an awful mood when JJ arrived, and she was sure she hadn’t so quickly earned forgiveness. 

Emily simply nodded, and opened the cab for JJ, who slid into the seat. “So where are we going, then?” she asked, climbing in behind her friend. JJ pointed vaguely towards the river across from Emily’s apartment, and Emily rolled her eyes. JJ knew that she hated vague. 

They made the drive in awkward, tension filled silence, only broken by the occasional gasp of JJ reveling in the city’s beauty. As the sun was going down, shades of red and pink and orange shimmered brilliant over the river and bounced off of the windows of the ancient buildings. 

When - _if _\- Emily forgave JJ, she made a note to ask for a tour of all of Emily’s favorite places in the city. She was sure it would be moss-covered libraries and historical museums, an old hole-in-the-wall coffee shop or two. Maybe, if JJ was lucky, she could get Emily to take her to a playhouse. But mostly, JJ hoped that they could go for strolls along the river and walks through the park, like the used to back in Virginia.__

__JJ was hyper-aware of Emily’s eyes on her as the cab worked its way through traffic. She tried to focus on the sights around her, the gorgeous bridge, the most famous clocktower in the world, Buckingham palace. They had already passed a beautiful abbey, and several massive parks. They didn’t make parks like this in the states, that was for sure. But JJ couldn’t focus, she could just feel the heat of eyes on her, burning into her neck, and finally, she turned to look back at Emily._ _

__The older woman wasn’t glaring at her, simply watching her with what looked like amusement and confusion. After ten minutes of thick silence, JJ finally decided to speak. “A little out of practice?” she joked. She wasn’t sure Emily was in the mood to be quippy, but she hoped it wouldn’t start a fight. Emily raised her eyebrow in response, and JJ wondered if she even got it. Maybe she really was out of practice, if JJ had to explain. “It’s been a second since you’ve had to profile someone?”_ _

__Emily let out a dry laugh. “My job is a lot of desk work these days,” she shrugged. “The hours are long, but my weekends are free. I rarely get called into the office for emergencies.”_ _

__JJ nodded, frowning. Emily never really seemed the type to enjoy desk work. She liked to get in there and get her hands dirty. “Do you like it?” she asked finally, though she felt that she already knew the answer._ _

__Emily thought for a minute, as though weighing it all. “It’s less travel,” she began, cocking her head to the side. It seemed like no one had asked this before, and she simply didn’t know how to answer. “It’s not no travel, just less. The hours are more consistent.” A non-answer, JJ thought. Not what she had asked. Emily shook her head and then spoke again. “How is everyone?”_ _

__“Hotch is good,” she began at the top of the list. “He’s got this new girlfriend, Beth. She’s lovely, and it seems like Jack really loves her. She works in New York, and Hotch takes Jack up there any time that he can. Rossi is good, he’s Rossi. He’s like everyone’s dad. Morgan and Garcia are good, too. You know, normal. Spence isn’t okay right now, to be honest.”_ _

__She trails off, and Emily nods in understanding, and JJ looks down at her lap. She would have undoubtedly heard about Maeve from Garcia or Morgan. “I don’t know what he needs,” JJ admits. “There’s never been a day that I couldn’t get through to him, not when Gideon left, not when you-.”_ _

__She froze, and so did Emily. They hadn’t talked about Doyle, or Emily leaving for the first time, in over a year. They looked at each other, and it seemed that neither knew what to say. Their saving grace was that the cab had pulled up outside of the restaurant._ _

__Emily paid the cab driver and slid out, JJ following closely behind her. They were greeted kindly by the hostess._ _

__“Доброе вечер,” she said, looking down at the list in front of her expectantly._ _

__“Oh, uh, 2,” JJ said, realizing what the woman was waiting for. The lady quirked her eyebrow at JJ. “Sorry, for Jennifer. Jareau.”_ _

__“Yes, Jareau,” she nodded. She tapped the name towards the middle of the list and traced a red line through it. She picked up two menus and gestured for the women to follow her into the restaurant. They weaved in and out of tables, passing through the most crowded part of the restaurant to a more secluded second room. It was quieter, only a few other couples were spread about the tables, chattering at a low volume, and there was quiet music playing overhead._ _

__They took their seats, and the hostess smiled, laying menus in front of them and gesturing at someone in the back. “Your waitress will be right with you,” she said and she left the room._ _

__Emily stared at JJ for a few seconds, studying her features, each micro expression. Finally, she leaned forward and spoke. “You wanted to talk,” she said quietly. JJ flinched, and Emily knew she sounded harsh, but she didn’t care. “Now tell me what you’re doing here.”_ _


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter briefly touches on some religious trauma surrounding sexuality. I try not to get too into it, it's a difficult topic, but it still talks about it.

JJ looked down at her hands and took a steadying breath. She told Emily that she would start at the beginning, and that meant going back 8 months ago. “I thought that I owed it to Will,” JJ began. Her voice was surprisingly even, and she kept her attention fixed on her fingers, folding and unfolding on the table before her. “Owed it to Henry. For us to give being a family a try. But, there was something else.”

“JJ, look at me,” Emily said. She ducked her head, hoping that the movement would draw JJ’s eyes to her own. “Please, look at me.”

JJ slowly lifted her head, and her eyes were already glossy. “I grew up in a really small town in Pennsylvania,” she said, quietly. “It was one of those towns that it didn’t really matter how hard you tried to hide your dirty laundry. Once one person knew, everyone knew.

“I was on the soccer team, starting in middle school. I was good, too. There was another girl on the team. Jessica Ambrym. She was my best friend, but,” JJ trailed off. The waitress came around and took their drink orders, and JJ continued. “It was more than that. I started to like her. Touches started to linger, we started holding hands, I would lay my head on her shoulder, play with her hair.”

“What does this have to do with me, Jennifer?” Emily interrupted her.

“I’m getting to it, Em,” she said sharply. Her tone softened immediately, almost apologetically. “Please, just let me finish.”

Emily nodded, and leaned forward, resting her arms on the edge of the table. “One night, my mom said that I could have Jess over for a slumber party. We were watching movies, gossiping. All innocent stuff. My mother had gone to bed, and my dad was away on business. I didn’t know he was supposed to be home that day.

“You have to understand, almost the entire population of Allegheny was Christian, and my father was one of the most devout. When he came home... We weren’t… weren’t doing anything wrong,” JJ got quieter, and tears started to drip slowly from her eyes. “We were just cuddling, on the couch. We fell asleep together, her arms around my waist. We were usually so careful, but it was late, and the movie was long. It was so comfortable, we just. Drifted off.”

Emily felt her heart sink, her mind immediately went to the worst-case scenario. Before JJ could continue, the waitress brought their drinks and asked for their dinner orders. The women ordered, eyes locked in a less-than-comfortable stare. After the waitress had left, JJ continued. 

“He was so angry, Emily,” JJ said. Her voice sounded hollow as she raised her glass to her lips. Emily watched her silently as she swallowed. Slowly, she replaced the glass on the table. “He kicked her out that night, and the next day he shipped me off to a-a camp.”

“Jesus, JJ,” Emily managed. She felt a hot anger rising in her chest. She would never understand the bigotry of religious institutions. But more than that, she couldn’t understand how parents could send their own children away because they were different. 

“The things that they did to me,” JJ began. She shuddered at the thought, and Emily noted the way she tightened her arms around her chest defensively. “The point is, I was scared. When I got out, I started seeing men, exclusively. I hated it, but I needed to. I was with Will, and then I got pregnant. I didn’t mean for it to happen. After I had Henry, I thought that we had to get married, for the family.”

“What happened with that?” Emily asked, downing the last of her vodka. She searched for the waitress, and held up her glass, indicating a refill. 

“You told me how you felt, and Em, I am so so sorry,” JJ said, openly sobbing now. “It’s not that I…. Em, I wanted to tell you how I felt, too. But how could I? I had a kid, with a man. My son needed his dad. After a month, though, things were still strained. I couldn’t stop thinking about… you. Will and I started fighting, about my long hours, about my time working for the State Department, about me not being there with Henry at bedtime. That went on for three months, and that’s when I found out about the drinking. It had started back when I returned to the BAU, and I guess it had just gotten really out of hand. 5 months of marriage, the constant fights, insults, drunken rages, and I had to leave. Our divorce was final 30 days later.”

“And what have you been doing since then?” Emily asked slowly, JJ’s words settling on her slowly. “I mean, why _now _, Jayje? Why are you here _now? _”____

____“It was the last case we were on,” JJ said quietly. “A kid whose dad sent him to one of the conversion camps. Blake somehow knew what it was doing to me. Somehow knew all of it. She asked, and when I started talking, I just… I knew.”_ _ _ _

____“You knew?” Emily quirked an eyebrow at JJ._ _ _ _

____“I needed to come see you,” JJ responded, smiling sadly up at Emily. “I was sick of pretending that I was okay to keep… well, pretending.” She reached out and grabbed Emily’s hand. “Emily, I am so sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that I let you walk away 8 months ago without telling you how I feel. Because the truth is, Emily, that I love you. I’m in love with you.”_ _ _ _

____Emily stared, unsure of what to say. She looked at JJ as if she was seeing her for the first time since she showed up in Emily’s bedroom only 3 hours earlier. She was skinnier, her cheeks hollower than before. She had dark circles under her eyes that seemed a permanent fixture on the blonde’s face. Her eyes seemed dimmer, too. Emily missed the sparkle that used to be there, and felt a twinge of guilt at its absence._ _ _ _

____JJ’s heart pounded in her ears and she watched Emily. The older woman was good, her eyes didn’t betray any emotion as she searched every inch of JJ’s face. The waitress set down their dinner, and still neither of them spoke, neither of them moved. 5 minutes turned into 7, and then to 10. The silence that hung between them was thick with tension, and more awkward than any silence JJ had felt before. She could feel a blush rising in her cheeks._ _ _ _

____“Better eat before this gets cold,” Emily said finally, gesturing at their plates. She was blowing this, and she knew it, but she didn’t know what she was supposed to say, or what to even think of it all. She knew what she _wanted _to say, but how could she just pretend that the last 8 months of heartbreak hadn’t happened? How could she just pretend that she didn’t spend every weekend since that night in Rossi’s backyard trying to drown out the pain she felt with booze and a string of women who weren’t _her. _______ _ _

________“I don’t really think I’m hungry anymore,” JJ said sharply, almost spat the words at Emily. She pushed back her chair and left the table, left Emily to eat her dinner alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Jayje,” Emily called after her. She wanted to follow the younger agent, but she was frozen for entirely too long. She was torn between giving them space to process everything, and comforting her best friend. When her mind was finally in control of her bodily movements again, she stood to follow JJ, but outside of the restaurant, she had already disappeared into the crowd, and Emily couldn’t find the golden hair or bright blue eyes anywhere._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is following dinner told from JJ's perspective, the next will be the same timeline told from Emily's.

JJ wasn’t entirely sure where she was going to go. All she knew was that she desperately needed to be anywhere but near Emily right now. She had laid it all out there, and Emily didn’t say anything. She couldn’t even do JJ the courtesy of a rejection, she just left the words dangling between them. JJ had never met someone so emotionally detached.

Emily had waited until JJ’s wedding to finally, after _years _, tell JJ how she felt. How could she be mad at JJ when she was overwhelmed, when she didn’t know what to say? And JJ flew nearly 4000 miles to tell Emily that she made a mistake. And what? She just lets the words hang there unanswered, deflects and changes the subject?__

__If Emily had been hurt 8 months ago, JJ thought it could be _nothing _compared to the seething anger she felt in the pit of her stomach now. She was sad, and hurt, and really just confused. She thought about the last few hours.___ _

____JJ had gotten to Emily’s apartment and let herself in. It was not unlike Emily’s apartment in DC, the walls cold and white, the furniture pristine, as though hardly touched. There weren’t personal effects anywhere downstairs. Only uninviting abstract art. Upstairs was the same story, except for a single photograph on the nightstand._ _ _ _

____It was somewhere that Emily could look at it every day, which meant that it mattered to her. It wasn’t a picture of the whole team, or even the “golden trio”; Emily, JJ, and Penelope. It was the two of them. It was one of the more intimate shots, too. It wasn’t a staged photo of the two of them side by side, it was one that Garcia had taken, where Emily was looking at JJ with nothing but admiration, and JJ wore her warmest smile, one that had been absent from her face for the last 8 months. It was full of the love the women shared._ _ _ _

____It was obvious to JJ that Emily still loved her. So why was she being such an ass about JJ’s being in London? She shook her head angrily and continued walking down the street, her eyes focused on the sidewalk in front of her. The sun was still up, only barely, casting a reddish-purple glow on the world around her. The air smelled like rain, and it was still quite breezy. JJ pulled Emily’s jacket tighter around her, and felt the anger, in part, turn to sadness. She knew it was probably her fault that Emily was so mad, so unwilling to forgive her. After all, wasn’t it JJ who let 8 months pass?_ _ _ _

____She turned down a side street, taking note of the street name. Clarendon Place. There was a soft glow from the lights in the shops and restaurants, and she could hear snippets of chatter, the occasional chuckle from restaurant patrons and people walking the streets. She could see a large park at the end of this street and thought it would be a nice place to clear her head._ _ _ _

____JJ really didn’t know what to do at this point. She wasn’t sure if she should call it, and head home, or if she should just keep trying. She just didn’t know. She remembered a time when decisions like this, the life stuff, were the decisions she would run past Emily. Tears stung her eyes, and a lump lodged in her throat. She hadn’t just lost the future she knew she wanted with Emily, but it seemed that she had even lost her best friend._ _ _ _

____She opened her handbag and pulled out her phone. Who was she going to call? She still didn’t want PG to know that this is where she was, especially now that it seemed it was wasted effort. And she couldn’t call the one person she knew she wanted to talk to. She thought about calling Blake, the reason that she was here, but they didn’t really have that relationship still. She stared at the screen, and then decided to just keep walking. Maybe she would happen upon a pub while she walked and could stop in for a drink. _Or __twelve _, JJ thought with a snort.___ _ _ _ __

______She tried to take in the beauty around her, but lately, beauty was something that was hard for JJ to see. She constantly found herself thinking about how much more beautiful things would be if she could share them with Emily. All at once, JJ lost the ability to hold back the tears. They fell slowly at first, but it wasn’t long before she was overtaken by sobs, her shoulders shook, and trembling hands wiped furiously at her cheeks._ _ _ _ _ _

______She bent her head in an attempt to ward off stares from strangers, her hair falling in curtains around her face. JJ again pulled out her phone to make a call. She needed to talk to someone, she knew that much. She stopped in front of a bench and dialed the number._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Wassup, lil mama,” came the friendly voice on the other end. She could hear the smile. She could also hear children screaming in the background, and another familiar voice._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Who is that,” Garcia called from the background. JJ inhaled sharply. Of course, Garcia had said that she would be taking Henry to the park, and that maybe Derek would help her teach him to catch a baseball._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s no one, just a friend,” he said, and JJ let out a sigh of relief. She didn’t need Derek to have to explain to his ‘baby girl’ why JJ was calling him instead of her. “Look, take this kid over to get ice cream, on me. I gotta take this.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______JJ heard Henry’s delighted squeal at the mention of ice cream, and smiled. She knew that Penelope couldn’t hold out on her godson, and that she’d have Derek to herself in a matter of seconds as the boy took off running towards the ice cream parlor across the street from his favorite park._ _ _ _ _ _

______“How’s my boy?” JJ asked through tears that she desperately hoped that Derek couldn’t hear, but she was almost positive he could._ _ _ _ _ _

______“He’s good,” Morgan said with a soft laugh. Her ‘work family’ was so good to her son, and JJ felt eternally grateful to them. “But listen, Jayje, you _gotta _teach this kid some coordination. I been tryna teach him to catch a ball for the better part of an hour.”___ _ _ _ _ _

________JJ laughed and shook her head. That was her boy, somehow uncoordinated, despite the fact that she was a college soccer star, and his dad played baseball, pretty well according to him, in high school. “Sorry, Morgan,” she said with a smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“The better question is, how are you?” he asked. JJ heard the concern in his voice and knew it was a harder job than that, keeping her emotions masked from the guy she considered the best profiler on their team._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I really fucked this up,” she said quietly, breaking down again. “I let her think for 8 months that I wanted nothing to do with her, Morgan. _I _did that. I was stupid. And I knew what I wanted to say when I got here, but seeing her, it just.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She sunk onto the bench and allowed the sobs to overtake her. Derek didn’t speak at first, simply listened to her muffled cries. After a long silence, he spoke slowly, softly. “JJ, she’ll come around,” he said simply._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yeah right,” JJ shook her head, wiping her nose on the sleeve of Emily’s jacket._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No, Jayje, listen,” Derek said firmly. “Our girl, I love her to death, but Jay, she _sucks _at feelings. Especially the hard stuff. Now, it mighta taken you 6 years to see it, but we’ve _all _known since day one that you two love each other. Give ‘er a minute to process the fact that you love her too. One way or another, she’ll come around.”_____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You really think so?” JJ asked, feeling a strange mixture of peace and anxiety at the thought.  
“I know so, kid,” Derek said. His voice was soothing, and JJ was glad she called him. “Emily knows what she wants, she just needs a little nudge sometimes. She loves you Jayje, and-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Suddenly, JJ heard the familiar sound of her son, screaming excitedly. “Uncle Dewek! Me and aunty P got you a ice cweam!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Who loves our Jayje?” Garcia asked, and JJ cringed. Then she heard a small gasp followed by a muffled, clearly excited yelp._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Sorry, mama, PG wants to talk to you,” he said, and JJ could hear the amused faux-guilt in his voice. _Shit _, JJ thought. She couldn’t really explain this one away.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Just a friend, huh?” she heard Garcia say as the phone was handed off. Before any niceties or greetings were exchanged, Garcia spoke. “We will circle around to the fact that you told my dark chocolate sculpted God about this ‘impromptu family emergency’ before you told _me _, your best friend and closest confidant, god-mother to your son, and Knower-of-all-Things. But first, I must know, how’s our girl?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Hi Garcia,” JJ said, smiling, though she dreaded having to answer that question. There was a reason that she hadn’t wanted to tell Penelope about her plans to win Emily back. Of the whole BAU family, Pen was the one who wanted, more than anything, for Emily and JJ to figure it out. She had told JJ as much _months _ago, not long after she and Will filed for divorce.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Skip the pleasantries, cupcake, and spill,” she said. JJ could practically hear her shaking with excitement and didn’t know how she was supposed to tell Garcia that she feared she was too late, regardless of what Derek said about Emily coming around._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“We’re talking,” JJ said, though she knew how unconvincing she sounded. She hoped that Garcia could be excited about that, at the very least, considering they hadn’t been._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Nope,” Garcia said shortly. “Not good enough. I am furious at you and excited for you, and I need the tea. What did you say? What did _she _say? Has there been any kissy-kissy?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“No, there hasn’t been any ‘ _kissy-kissy _’. She didn’t say anything,” JJ said, and she couldn’t mask the annoyance she felt.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“What do you mean, ‘she didn’t say anything’? Did you guys talk?” Garcia asked incredulously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“We talked,” JJ said, the painful memory of those moments following her confession forever seared in her mind. “I told her I loved her, that I was in love with her and that I was sorry it took me so long. And she said absolutely nothing. Actually, what she said was ‘we better eat before it gets cold.’ I left her sitting at that restaurant, and I just..walked out the door. I needed to clear my head.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________JJ again began to cry, and Garcia seemed too stunned to even respond. She couldn’t believe it. “Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry,” she said, and JJ could hear her own tears. Garcia was the most empathetic person that she knew, she felt others emotions just as strongly as her own. “Give her time. Talk again in the morning, she’ll come around. Maybe she just needs to process.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“That’s what Derek said,” JJ rolled her eyes. “I just. I don’t want time, we’ve had enough time. Listen, Pen, I gotta go, okay? Easy with the sugar, and don’t keep him up too late.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“Okay,” Garcia said quietly. “Just. Think about it. Give it the night. I love you Jayje.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“Love you too, PG,” JJ responded and hung up. She pulled up a map back to Emily’s. It was an hour walk from where she sat now, and she figured she could use that time to try to pull her thoughts together. She wasn’t sure yet if she should leave or if she should stay and keep fighting, but she hoped by the time she made it back to Emily's place, she would know. She stood and crossed the street, entering a large park that she knew they had passed on the way to the restaurant. She balled her fists into the pockets of Emily’s jacket, and cut across the lawn, her mind wandering._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________She looked at the sights, and caught bits and pieces of stranger’s conversations. A man on the phone telling what she assumed was a partner that he would pick up their son on the way home. A pair of girls gossiping about a friend of theirs. A man and woman bickering about his “staying out all night, yet again.” There was a street vendor selling coffee from a cart somewhere in the middle of the park, and JJ stopped for a hot cup to warm her hands from the cold, damp air. She wasn’t in a rush, and soon the sun completely disappeared beyond the horizon, and the moon was out in full._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Her phone buzzed in her purse, and she pulled it out. She swallowed hard, and her breath caught in her throat when she read the screen. EMILY PRENTISS. She let out a heavy sigh and declined the call, then returned the phone to her purse. She wasn’t sure she was ready to face the rejection she was expecting on the other end of that call._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________JJ approached the edge of the park, the sidewalk that ran along the edge of the river. A light sprinkle began to fall from the sky, dampening her hair and clothes as she walked, drops of water clinging to her eyelashes. She could see the bridge where she would cross over onto Emily’s street, the most magnificent clock tower straight ahead. She watched the way the moon sparkled in the ripples caused by small droplets falling into the dark water below. It was a beautiful city, and JJ hoped to get to experience it better in the light of day. It hardly registered how much time had passed as she approached the front steps of Emily’s apartment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emily's perspective during the last chapter.

Emily stood on Sussex Place, scanning the streets for JJ, though she knew that she wouldn’t find her. What a fucking mess. How did they get here? They used to be best friends, they used to talk about everything, and now here they were, tiptoeing around one another. It became abundantly clear that JJ wouldn’t be returning to the restaurant, and Emily went inside.

She waved a hand and the waitress came over. Emily put on her “business as usual” face, and smiled up at the woman. “Something came up,” she said, gesturing at JJ’s empty seat and untouched plate. “I guess we’ll be taking this to go. Could I maybe get one more cranberry vodka, though?”

“Of course,” the waitress said. She picked up the plates and headed back towards the kitchen where they would box them up. Emily stared at JJ’s chair, and felt her cheeks burning. What was she supposed to say? Of course, she still loved JJ, but she couldn’t just ignore the months of hurt. She drummed her fingers absently on the table top, trying to decide what she was going to do. Everything had happened so fast, and yet it seemed like time was dragging. 

“Here’s your drink,” the waitress set the glass in front of Emily. Emily looked up at her and smiled in thanks. “And here’s the bill.”

Emily handed over her credit card and sipped at her drink, trying to pass the time while she waited for the woman to return with their boxed food and her receipt. Maybe she should call Garcia, Emily knew that she would know what to say. But then, Emily didn’t know if she wanted to talk. 

Her mind ran through a script, all the things she wished she had said. “I’m really sorry about what happened to you, JJ.” She could have said “I understand the hesitation, and I wish that I could have handled it better.” She could have said “I need a little bit of time to process this, but I love you too.” Now, she feared it was too late. Emily didn’t want to go home, because she was terrified that JJ would’ve been so mad that she left. 

The waitress brought back Emily’s card and their food, and Emily thanked her again for their meal. She nursed her drink, and finally, reluctantly, stood to leave. Once outside on the street, Emily felt a chill in her bones. She just wanted to go home and sit in the bath for a while, think things over. And she needed to call Garcia.

She hailed a cab and told the man her address. The hot air circulating in the car warmed her almost instantly. Without thinking, Emily pulled out her phone and dialed the first number she thought of. It rang once, and Emily’s heart started to pound faster in her chest. Twice, and her breathing hitched. Three times, and her hands were trembling. The fourth ring was painful, and the fifth just felt taunting. “You have reached Jennifer Jareau, I am either busy or avoiding your call. Please leave a message and I will call you back just as soon as I can.”

It was the latter, and it was Emily’s fault. Why was she always so detached? Why couldn’t she, for once in her life, not self-sabotage every good thing that walked through her door. She shook her head and stared out the window. It was going to rain tonight, and Emily hoped that JJ had found a cab back by now.

She dialed Garcia this time, and pressed the phone to an ear. Hardly a full ring, and her second favorite voice in the world picked up. “Emily, you are screwing this up,” she said sternly, and Emily grimaced. It was rare that Garcia sounded this upset with her ‘ducklings’ as she called them, and Emily frowned deeply. _Of course JJ would’ve called her _, she thought. “You love her, Emily, I know you do. You’re allowed to be mad, but don’t let that screw this up! Tell her right now, tell her five minutes from now. But don’t you dare let her get on a plane without you telling her that.”__

__Emily nodded, though she knew Garcia couldn’t see her. “She already left, Garcia,” Emily said, though she didn’t know if that meant the restaurant, her apartment, or London in general. “I didn’t know what to say, and she just got up and left.”_ _

__“I know,” Garcia said. “She called me. Well, she called _Derek _, but we talked.”___ _

____“You’re with Morgan?” Emily quirked an eyebrow. Then she felt an odd panic. “JJ talked to Morgan about this, too?”_ _ _ _

____“Before she even talked to me,” Garcia grumped. “And yes, I’m with Henry while JJ’s away. Derek and Spence have been alternating helping me out. Derek was teaching him to catch a baseball, and Spence was reading to him about quantum physics, or something like that. I think Henry is one of the few things that has made him happy since Maeve. He’s very protective of hid godson.”_ _ _ _

____Emily smiled at her unconventional family back home and felt that familiar twinge of guilt that she always felt when she thought about what she left behind. “Give them all my love,” she said quietly. “I really did fuck this up, huh?”  
“It’s not too late, Emily,” Garcia said. Emily noted how confident the analyst on the other line sounded. “I have to go, it’s almost dinner time, but Em? Just talk to her. Tell her that you love her and that you just needed to process. And call me tomorrow.”_ _ _ _

____“Thanks PG,” Emily said. “Have a good night.”_ _ _ _

____The phone disconnected, and Emily considered Garcia’s words. She was right. She was _always _right. Emily did love JJ. She rode the rest of the way home, trying to decide what to say to JJ. If JJ was still here. She hoped to god that she hadn’t done irreparable damage.___ _ _ _

______“Here ye are, miss,” the cab driver stopped on the curb. Emily thanked him and slid out of the cab. She climbed the front steps and crossed the lobby to where Peter stood._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Back so soon, Emily?” he asked politely. He called the lift, and then looked around. “Where’s yer friend?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“She hasn’t come back yet?” Emily asked. Her heart sunk when Peter shook his head. He watched her face, as her frown deepened, hurt and concern written all over her face. As soon as she had betrayed the emotion, she turned on her face. “There was a little hiccup at dinner, she should be back soon.” _I hope _, she thought.___ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m sure she will,” he smiled sympathetically. He had seen her after enough failed dates to know that look._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’ll ride up on my own, thanks,” Emily said. He nodded and let her onto the lift. Once the door closed, she collapsed backwards against the wall and watched the numbers tick by. At least if JJ hadn’t been back yet that would mean that she didn’t leave. Right?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Emily shrugged and walked into her apartment. She shut the door, but left it unlocked. She wasn’t sure if JJ had kept the spare key, and she didn’t want the younger woman to feel any more uninvited than she was sure she had already made JJ feel. As she passed through the foyer, she peeked into the largest of the rooms, the one she was sure JJ was staying in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She allowed a half-smile to slip across her lips. JJ’s suitcase sat open at the end of the bed, her clothes from earlier today folded neatly beside it. She was still here. Emily breathed a sigh of relief and continued into the kitchen, where she slid their leftovers into the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of wine. She grabbed two wine glasses from the cupboard next to the fridge. She crossed into her living room and set them on the coffee table, then continued upstairs to change into her pajamas. She wanted to be downstairs when JJ got home. They really needed to talk._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She had a copy of a book that Morgan had sent her for her birthday a few months ago that she’d been working on. One of her first cases with the BAU, Emily had found out that she and Morgan shared similar taste in reading, and they always sent books back and forth. She had just sent him a copy of one of her favorites from her time at university, a Jack Kerouac, and now she was reading one of his favorites, _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She took a seat on the far end of the couch and poured herself a glass of wine. She cracked the book to the last page she was on and started to read, but it didn’t take long for her mind to stray from the words on the page. Oh how she wished they could go back to earlier tonight, so that Emily could greet JJ the way she deserved to be greeted. A warm hug, a gentle smile. An “apology accepted.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Emily missed JJ, dearly. There were so many times that she wished she could just talk to JJ about something that was going on: a difficult case, an argument with her mom. She had taken many pictures of the skyline, of herself on especially good days, of the many sights on the trips work had sent her on, and she instinctively wanted to send them to JJ, but thought better of it. She realized that she was just as responsible for the painful separation between them as JJ was._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She wondered what it was like to go through the divorce, and wondered if JJ had wanted to call her, to talk about it. She wondered how Henry handled it, though she knew that he was a tough little guy, with a huge heart. She thought about all the nights that JJ cried herself to sleep, because she hated sleeping alone. How many had she thought about texting Emily but thought that Emily didn’t want to hear from her? How many nights did she spend staring at a picture of the two of them and wishing that things were different?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Emily was unaware of how much time had passed, and then she heard the front door creak open and then closed again, the sound of the deadbolt clicking loudly into place. She checked the clock on her phone. 1:25am. She got to her feet, gently closing the book, and wandered slowly towards the foyer. She would invite JJ to sit and drink wine with her, to talk things over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________As she approached JJ’s bedroom door, she heard the soft, sweet voice of a mother addressing her son. She peered through the crack in the door. JJ was facing away from her, her shoulders slumped, head down. Emily couldn’t help but blush at the image of JJ wearing her clothes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Momma will be home soon, baby,” she said softly. “Did aunty P read you your night time story, or do you want me to do it?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Emily smiled. This was one of her favorite things about JJ. No matter where she was, she made time to talk to her son before bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Okay, okay,” JJ said, chuckling. “She probably read it better anyway, huh? Good night, sweet boy. I will see you in a couple of days. I love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Emily tapped softly at the door, causing JJ to jump. She spun around to face the pale skinned woman standing outside of her room. “JJ, can we try this again?” Emily pleaded as JJ pushed the door open. “I have wine. And your dinner is in the fridge.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________A sad smile broke across her face, and she nodded. “Yes, I would like that,” JJ replied. “Um, is it awkward if I ask. PG forgot to pack sleeping clothes, and I want to get out of this dress. And, it was kind of cold outside, I’m soaked to the bone.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Of course,” Emily said. “There should be some shorts in the dryer, I’ll set them outside of your door and meet you in the living room. You shower and I’ll get you a blanket.” She smiled as she turned to leave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________From the bathroom, JJ sent a text to Penelope and Derek:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________JJ: She agreed to talk.  
Penelope: I knew she would. xoxo  
Morgan: Good luck, mama_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	7. VII

Emily started drinking her second glass of wine as she waited for JJ. The only thing she knew for sure that she needed to say was “I love you.” She warmed up their dinners and dished them out onto plates. She heard the shower stop, and topped off her glass of wine. Suddenly her hands were trembling and her mouth ran dry. 

In an attempt to keep her hands busy, she fluffed the pillows on either end of the couch, and straightened the plates on the coffee table. She heard the door to JJ’s bedroom open, and she ran fingers through her hair and smoothed her t-shirt. _I love you _, she thought. _That’s all I want to say. _____

____“Hey,” JJ said sheepishly from the doorway. Emily looked up, and she stood with her arms folded awkwardly across her chest, leaning casually against the doorjamb. “I’m really sorry I just walked out like that.”_ _ _ _

____“I get it, Jayje,” Emily said. It was the first time that she sounded completely sincere since JJ had arrived. “Come, sit. Please.”_ _ _ _

____JJ nodded and crossed the room. She sat on the couch, but left an awkwardly large gap between the two of them. Emily’s eyes lingered on the empty space, and she swallowed loudly. “I heated up your dinner,” she said quietly. “I’m sure you’re hungry. And this is…” she laughed at herself and then blushed. “This is my cheapest bottle of red. I can get a better one, if you’d like?”_ _ _ _

____“This is perfect,” JJ smiled, and picked up her fork. “Thank you.”_ _ _ _

____“Jayje, listen,” Emily said, and JJ watched her cautiously. “I am sorry. For everything. I’m sorry that I blamed you for the last 8 months. I acknowledge that I am just as responsible as you. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t exactly the warmest when I saw you this afternoon. You caught me off guard, and I was hurting. And god, Jayje, I am so sorry that I didn’t say anything at dinner.”_ _ _ _

____She paused and took a breath, and lifted trembling hands to JJ’s. She pulled the fork out of her fingers and set it on the table, then wrapped her warm hands around JJ’s. Emily made certain to look JJ directly in the eyes as she spoke. “I need you to know, Jayje. I love you too. I have since the day I met you, and I am sick of not doing this.”_ _ _ _

____JJ opened her mouth to speak, and then closed it, puzzled. All at once, Emily leaned across the couch and captured JJ’s lips with her own. JJ sat frozen for a fraction of a second, and then melted into Emily, bringing a hand up to cup her neck, finger tips brushing over Emily’s pulse point. The older woman’s tongue teased JJ’s bottom lip, hot and wet, begging for entrance. JJ felt the heat rising in her chest, creeping up her neck and burning in her cheeks. She slid closer to Emily, until their bodies were pressed together. She cupped Emily’s face and moaned softly. Her lips parted, allowing Emily’s tongue to slip between her plump lips. JJ could taste the wine on her tongue, feel the passion seeping off of Emily. But there was something else there between them still. It felt like hesitation, reservation. She lifted her other hand and placed it on JJ’s chest, and with a groan, she reluctantly pulled away._ _ _ _

____The room was spinning as they parted. JJ was breathless, and Emily had a small smirk on her lips. “That was…” JJ started, and then sighed._ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” Emily nodded. She placed a hand on JJ’s thigh, drawing small circles over the skin with her thumb. The motion sent chills down JJ’s spine._ _ _ _

____“Em,” JJ whispered, tears once again rolling down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry, for everything.”_ _ _ _

____“JJ, I think that’s enough of the apologies,” Emily said. “We’ve both done things we wish we hadn’t.”_ _ _ _

____“I’ve missed you,” JJ said, leaning against Emily’s body, resting her head on Emily’s shoulder._ _ _ _

____“I’ve missed you too,” Emily replied, squeezing JJ’s thigh gently._ _ _ _

____“I think we still have things to talk about,” JJ said, and Emily nodded._ _ _ _

____“I love you, Jay,” the older woman repeated. “I love you, and I’m sorry it took me 6 years to get here.”_ _ _ _

____“That’s enough of the apologies,” JJ repeated with a crooked smile. “I love you, too, Em. But what does all of this mean?”_ _ _ _

____Emily slowly withdrew her hand from JJ’s leg and leaned forward, gently nudging JJ off of her. “What do you mean what does it mean?” she asked. JJ noted the hint of panic in her voice._ _ _ _

____“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to scare you,” JJ said, reaching out to take Emily’s hand. “I just. I know you love your job, and Em, I love mine. Plus there’s Henry to think about. I can’t take him away from his dad. And I don’t know what I would tell my mom. I mean, I never told her what really happened at that camp, and I don’t think dad ever told her why I went, but I just. There’s still a lot to talk about.”_ _ _ _

____“Slow down, JJ,” Emily said gently, squeezing JJ’s hand. “I’m not asking you to move to London. I’m not telling you to come out to your family right this second. The most important part of this is that I love you, and I want a chance for us to figure out what we are, and what we can be.”_ _ _ _

____“Then where do we start?” JJ asked. She sounded small, and frightened. Emily just wanted to wrap her arms around her and never let go. Keep her safe forever._ _ _ _

____“Tell me about how things really are,” Emily said. She slid onto the floor and scooted closer to the coffee table to eat her dinner, and tugged softly at JJ’s hand, indicating for her to follow. “It’s been 8 months, and a lot has happened.”_ _ _ _

____“All of it?” JJ asked. “Like, even the stuff with Will?” She had talked about it with Hotch, out of necessity, and with Garcia, at first. Though, she stopped talking, eventually, because Garcia kept insisting that it was because she was in love with Emily, and it was time for them to get together. But everyone else just kind of found out naturally, when JJ stopped wearing the ring, and Spence was so worried she had lost it that he launched everyone into search mode._ _ _ _

____“Yes,” Emily said with a curt nod. “All of it.”_ _ _ _

____“Okay,” JJ said. She took a small bite of her dinner and washed it down with a sip of wine, and then began. “Well, that night at Rossi’s, I know that my lack of excitement should have been the first indication that it was wrong. But I thought I owed it to my son -our son- that we have a real family. Will was good, at first. I mean, you know we had been having our problems, even before that. Will was mad when I went back to the BAU after the State Department, because it meant long hours, time away._ _ _ _

____“Will felt like I was choosing my career over our family. But the truth is, I just couldn’t bear to be around _him _. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy. Just not for me. So, the fights kept happening. They got more and more heated. To be completely honest, I started to feel kind of afraid of him. I told you, from there things started to progress kind of fast. At first, he would sleep on the couch when I was home. But then he started spending nights out, at bars or with friends.___ _ _ _

______“It wasn’t just the long hours, though,” JJ paused to take another bite. She looked at Emily for a moment, as if contemplating her next thought. “It was you, too.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Emily’s eyes dropped to the floor, and she frowned slightly. JJ reached out a hand and brushed her cheek, reassuring her. “Not that I’m saying it’s your fault, I’m not trying to blame you,” JJ promised. “No, it was just that. After what you said at Rossi’s, I couldn’t stop thinking… about you. Everything that happened, I wanted to share with you. I started imagining what my life would be like if _we _went to parks together, if _we _started planning holidays and camping trips together. I started imagining what it would be like to wake up next to you. And that felt better.”_____ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Why didn’t you tell me Jayje?” Emily asked quietly. JJ could hear the hurt in her voice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I was scared, Emily,” JJ said. She pursed her lips, considering everything. “I mean, it was everything I was always told that I couldn’t have, and more than that, everything I _shouldn’t _want.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Emily nodded in understanding. She knew that JJ grew up very different than Emily did, in that JJ cared about maintaining a solid relationship with friends and family from her past. Emily left religion behind when she decided that she didn’t want to grow up in her parents’ shadows anymore, but she knew that things weren’t so simple for JJ._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Besides, it felt like I had already thrown away my chance,” JJ said. There was that sound in her voice, that small, retreated tone. The heartbreak. Emily brushed stray hairs behind JJ’s ear and ran a thumb down her jaw line, to her chin. Gently, she turned JJ’s face up to meet her eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I love you,” she said simply, her eyes piercing JJ’s own. “We don’t have to dwell on that anymore.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________JJ nodded, and thought for a moment. “Anyway,” she continued, returning to the story. “The fights starting getting so bad that it started affecting Henry. He started acting out. And that was when we really reassessed. It wasn’t working and we both knew it. For Henry’s sake, we kept it civil. We came to a decent agreement, too. I get him whenever we aren’t out of town on a case, and Will has him the rest of the time. Honestly, it comes out pretty even. I get a lot of weekends, but plenty of weekdays, too. And if it seems like I’m consistently getting weekends, we try and split that time. And then every other year for the holidays, but no two major holidays in a row.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Emily thought about it for a minute, and then smiled. “Are you happy, Jayje?” she asked. She grabbed the blonde woman’s hand and lifted it to her mouth, brushing her lips over JJ’s fingertips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I will be,” JJ returned the smile, nodding._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	8. VIII

They talked until almost four, when Emily noticed JJ’s eyelids starting to droop. They shared stories of where they had been and what they’d been doing over the last 8 months, and still hadn’t quite gotten to the events that led JJ to Emily’s apartment the day before. Emily knew that they’d have time for that, but her mind kept coming back to it. At the second yawn that Emily watched JJ stifle, however, Emily helped the smaller woman to her feet. 

“I’ll clean this up, but I think you need sleep,” Emily said. She was surprised at how well JJ managed her jetlag. Perhaps it was that year working for the State Department that conditioned her body to handle the long flights and endless days, jumping time zones. JJ nodded and began towards the foyer, towards the guest room. “Hey JJ?” 

JJ turned towards Emily, and she quirked her head to the side, an unspoken ‘yes, Emily?’

“Is it too soon,” she began, but stopped. She wanted to see if the blonde would share her bed. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t fallen asleep side by side on a myriad of cases in almost every state in the United States, but this felt different. She changed her mind with a brief shake of her head. “Never mind. Good night, Jay.”

“Good night Emily,” JJ said, retreating slowly from the room. When Emily called for her to stop, JJ hoped that she would want to share a bed, almost like old times. Maybe it was for the best that they take this slow. They hadn’t even talked about ‘where this was headed’. Maybe they just needed a night to process everything. 

Emily heard the faint _click _of the door to JJ’s bedroom, and she placed the now empty plates and cups in the sink, running hot water over them. She gathered the wine bottle, replacing the cork and setting it back into the fridge. With a smile, she climbed the stairs and collapsed into her bed.__

__

__The 7:30 sunrise reflected bright off of the river outside of Emily’s apartment, and despite the only less than 4 hours of sleep, her eyes shot open. She begrudgingly got out of bed and donned her sneakers and running shorts. She knew herself well enough to know that a deviation from her regular workout routine would cause her discomfort when she got back in the swing of it._ _

__She headed downstairs and, as she passed by JJ’s room, peeked her head in. A small lump curled up at the top of the bed made Emily grin brightly. She hadn’t imagined it, and the blonde was in her home. She crept out into the hallway and called the lift. Inside was a different man than the night before, the morning shift._ _

__“Morning Jerry,” Emily said._ _

__“Someone’s chipper this morning,” he said, pressing for the lobby._ _

__“I have a visitor,” she said. “And it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her.”_ _

__“Well, cheerio,” he said, tipping his hat as she got off the lift. He watched as Emily bounced on the balls of her feet towards the front door, and then disappeared onto the street._ _

__There were several running paths that Emily frequently took, but there was one in particular she wanted today. If she went right, she could run past Big Ben, down to Lambeth Bridge, through Pedlars, up to Archbishop’s Park, and then Garden Café to get JJ’s coffee, and still be back in less than an hour._ _

__Something about the city was more beautiful today than it had felt for the last 8 months. The ground was soggy from the rain the night before, and the world glowed bright and green. Everything smelled damp in the way Emily had always loved but had lately forgotten to notice. Even the city sounds were pleasant to her this morning, rather than grating on her nerves the way they usually did. She slipped her earbuds into her ears and started running to the sound of a steady drum beat and quick guitar rhythm._ _

__As she ran, she found herself planning the day. There were a lot of things to see on a Saturday morning in London, and Emily wanted to show it all to JJ. She felt the familiar sting in her lungs as she rounded onto Westminster Bridge. Her feet pounded the pavement and she felt the shock of the hard ground shoot up her legs and into her knees._ _

__The more she thought about a blooming relationship with JJ, the more she realized would have to happen. She would have to leave her job at Interpol. It’s just like JJ had said last night, she has Henry to think about, it’s not like Emily could ask her to move to London. That would mean picking up her job at the BAU again, though she wasn’t entirely sure that they had room for her. That was a lot of change, and something about it scared Emily. What if she uprooted her life, yet again, and it didn’t work out?_ _

__It felt like there was a battle raging inside of her, one that told her to fight for this relationship, for this love that she had always felt for the blonde who was currently sleeping soundly in Emily’s guest bedroom. But another part of her said to fight _against _it. She had told JJ that she wanted her to tell Emily to stay in DC 8 months ago. But JJ didn’t ask.___ _

____She crossed the second bridge, headed back towards her side of the river, and she felt an uneasiness. It was as if the scales were out of balance, she wasn’t sure which direction to lean. She wanted to be with JJ, of course she did, but it was just… a lot._ _ _ _

____The more she felt scared of JJ, the faster her arms and legs pumped, propelling her forward. On one hand, they were just starting out, and Emily didn’t know if they could go the distance. On the other hand, Emily had been pining after this same girl for the last nearly 7 years. It felt muddled and confusing. Last night, she had been elated that JJ chose to give them a chance, to even talk about what they might be able to become._ _ _ _

____As she approached Archbishop park, her breathing came out in gasps, her throat felt raw. Her nose was pink and running, and her legs were aching. She slowed down and raised her arms, resting her hands palm down on her head. She looked up at the sky, bright blue with a few scattered clouds. The sun was barely peeking over the buildings to her right, and rays of sunlight hit her eyes. Regardless of what her fight or flight were saying, she knew that she and JJ had more to talk about. And if anyone could help make sure that Emily made the right decision, it was JJ._ _ _ _

____She crossed the park slowly, walking off the pain in her legs from what was likely her fastest three-mile time. She smiled pleasantly at the women walking their dogs side-by-side through the park, and the men training for their next marathon._ _ _ _

____The café was across the street from her apartment, and it was one of Emily’s favorite places to get coffee. She had gotten the same thing every day since she moved into the building, and the staff knew her order by now. Emily had met a few of her flings and one-night stands at the coffee shop, so any time she ordered more than one drink, they gave her grief. She opened the door, bracing herself for the mockery._ _ _ _

____“Emily,” a young woman behind the counter called out with a wave and a smile. She placed two croissants in a bag and set it on the counter for Emily. “Just came out, first batch,” she said. A fat, balding man with his back to the door called out a “’ello” and set to work making Emily’s usual americano._ _ _ _

____“Hey Brittany,” Emily said, her breathing still ragged from her run. “I’m gonna need a second coffee today.”_ _ _ _

____“Oo’s the lucky lady?” the male barista asked with a sly smile. Emily didn’t respond, and the man turned around. “C’mon now, Emily! I’ve been makin’ yer coffee for the las’ nearly year. The least ye could do is tell me ‘oo it is I’m makin’ the extra for!”_ _ _ _

____“Okay, okay,” Emily said with a resigned chuckle. “It’s a friend visiting from the states.”_ _ _ _

____“The one?” he asked, his eyes wide. Emily nodded slowly; a stupid grin plastered across her face. He returned the toothy smile and clapped his hands slowly. “Well done, mate,” he said. “What’ll she ‘ave?”_ _ _ _

____“A latte, with a triple shot, and whole milk,” Emily recited from memory._ _ _ _

____“She musta got here yesterday,” the man said, eyeing Emily. Emily nodded and he clicked his tongue. “The triple shot is cause ye didn’ sleep las’ night then?”_ _ _ _

____“We were just talking,” Emily rolled her eyes. “I swear. It was actually a rough night. We had a lot to talk about.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m jus’ yankin’ yer chain,” he smiled, handing the coffees across the counter. “Good luck, Emily. See ye tomorrow.”_ _ _ _

____“Thanks Russell,” Emily said, nodding as she turned to leave. She half jogged across the street and into the building. Jerry let her upstairs, and she walked inside._ _ _ _

____She pushed open the door to JJ’s room, and saw the still mound on the bed, the steady rise and fall of the blankets. She set the coffees and pastries on the nightstand and rushed upstairs to shower the layer of sweat from her now sore body and put on fresh clothes. She made quick work of it, and returned to the guest room. JJ only stirred slightly when Emily pulled back a corner of the comforter and slid onto the mattress behind her._ _ _ _

____“Hey,” Emily whispered, reaching out a gently hand and placing it on JJ’s arm. “Jayje, get up.”_ _ _ _

____JJ turned over to face Emily, smiling sleepily up at her. “Morning,” she said softly. Emily was propped up on her elbow, face only inches from JJ’s. “How long have you been there?”_ _ _ _

____“Only a few minutes,” Emily responded. “I went for a run and showered. And, I got coffee, and croissants from across the street.” She gestured towards the coffee on her nightstand and JJ sat up. It was fairly common knowledge that coffee was the way to her heart._ _ _ _

____“You really do know what a girl wants,” she said with a sideways grin. Emily rolled her eyes but smiled in affirmation. JJ leaned over Emily, reaching for the coffee, but Emily grabbed her arm firmly, stopping her in place. JJ lifted her head, a little startled by Emily’s sudden movements. Emily’s breath caught as she stared into gorgeous blue eyes. Her throat went dry and her tongue suddenly felt heavy. She was speechless as she stared at the blonde-haired beauty who was basically on top of her._ _ _ _

____Blue eyes flitted down to Emily’s lips, then back up to dark eyes that pierced her. She sucked her own bottom lip between her teeth and held her breath. “Jayje,” Emily breathed, their faces slowly gravitating closer._ _ _ _

____“Em,” JJ whispered back. She felt the want in her stomach, and drew her tongue out, running it softly across her bottom lip. Emily’s eyes settled on JJ’s mouth, watching each movement, her soft tongue tracing over perfect pink lips, and she gulped hard. Her grip around JJ’s armed loosened, and she slid a hand down JJ’s side, settling on her hip. She dug her fingertips into the muscle slightly, and a low hum rumbled somewhere deep in JJ’s chest._ _ _ _

____“The coffee is going to get cold,” JJ croaked out finally, after what felt like an eternity. She was dizzy and breathless, despite neither of them having moved in the last two minutes. All she could smell was Emily, the spicy sweetness from her shampoo, and the hint of peppermint tooth paste, mixed with the faint aroma of the coffee cooling a few feet from their bed._ _ _ _

____Emily’s eyelids slid shut and she exhaled deeply, her shoulders almost imperceptibly slumping, disappointed. The corners of her mouth turned upward and she nodded slowly, removing her hand from JJ’s waist._ _ _ _

____“C’mere,” she said softly, tilting her head towards the door. “You should see something.” They didn’t move for another minute, and then Emily slid out from under JJ and reached out a hand to help the younger woman to her feet. “Grab those and follow me.”_ _ _ _

____JJ complied, and coffee in hand, she padded after JJ into the bright living room. When she had gotten to London, and arrived at Emily’s apartment, she didn’t really have a chance to take in the full beauty of the place Emily called home, or the peace of the surrounding city. Everything in the morning light was different._ _ _ _

____The deep reddish-purple and burnt orange hues in the sky had changed, and the world was bright green, with a golden glow. The buildings and trees were surrounded by a warm yellow light, and JJ couldn’t look at the river for too long, the way the sun shined bright white off of the surface of the water._ _ _ _

____“This is beautiful, Em,” JJ said. Her voice was hushed and sincere, and she couldn’t take her eyes off of the city skyline._ _ _ _

____“There are some places I want to show you today,” Emily said. She reached out for JJ’s hand, and they laced their fingers together. “If you’re up for it.”_ _ _ _

____JJ nodded, and turned to look at Emily. “I’m up for it.”  
_ _ _ _


	9. IX

They ate their breakfast and drank their coffee wordlessly. Emily noticed how tense it still felt, resting in the corners of their palpable silence. She knew it was naïve to think that after last night, things would feel easier. She could tell from the way it seemed JJ avoided kissing her or maintaining physical contact for extended periods of time, that there were a lot of unresolved feelings lingering between them.

She wanted to ask what it was that JJ wanted from her. What she needed to feel like they could be close again. Even closer. JJ could feel Emily staring at her, trying to read her. Working with profilers all the time made it easy for JJ to put up the wall, the impossible to climb, completely blank, unreadable wall. She stared out the window, watching a pair of birds swoop and dive. Emily wanted to reach out to her, reach through her, and pull her back here. The distance seemed to be growing between them somehow, despite the fact that they had been closer in the last two days than over the last 8 months.

“Jay?” Emily asked quietly. JJ looked up at her and smiled politely. “Do you have good walking shoes?” JJ nodded, and Emily stood, extending a hand to pull the smaller woman to her feet. “Good. We’ll be walking quite a bit today. Go get ready, and I’ll meet you back down here in, say, 20 minutes?”

“Sounds good,” JJ said with a short nod. Emily squeezed her hand and then dropped it. She leaned in to press a soft kiss into JJ’s lips, but JJ turned her head to the side, allowing Emily’s lips to land on her cheek.

Emily felt deflated. She walked up the stairs and collapsed backwards onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling. This wasn’t something that had ever come naturally to Emily. She wasn’t an in-your-feelings, vulnerability type of person. She was a “deal with the surface, let everything else go” kind of person. It was a trait she learned from years of undercover assignments, doing shady things with shady people. 

She inhaled deeply, counting 5 seconds, and then releasing. Patience was not something that she was good at either. Her two worst traits were the ones that were being tested the most right now. She loved JJ, and hoped that at the very least, the sweet, short woman downstairs could sense that she was trying. 

She breathed again, and then stood and pulled on a pair of jeans from the floor next to her closet and an old green and grey flannel. She slipped out onto the balcony and lit a cigarette. Her hands were shaking, from the anxiety that she felt when she thought that perhaps they were too far estranged, that she had screwed this up too much. She took a long drag and felt the tangy, sour smoke fill her lungs. She closed her eyes, and a sense of calm washed over her. She hated to admit that these things eased her anxiety, because that was admitting that she was dependent on something. 

She leaned backwards against the railing and tipped her head back, looking straight up at the bright blue sky, wispy clouds billowing thousands of miles above her, drifting along, uninterrupted. Emily wondered what that freedom might feel like. She exhaled slowly, a bluish white haze swirling around her and drifting off into space. She glanced down at her phone, and figured JJ would be almost ready by now. She put out the half-spent cigarette and slid the remainder into the carton that she kept on her balcony.

Returning to her bedroom, Emily brushed her teeth to get the smell of cigarette smoke out of her mouth. After she felt she couldn’t stall any longer, she made her way downstairs. JJ stood in the foyer in tight jeans that hugged her hips and a white loose-fitting t-shirt, layered under a red and grey checkered shirt, not unlike the one Emily wore. They smiled at one another, cracking up at their wardrobe faux pas. They did this on occasion back in the day, showing up to work in similar outfits.

“You ready?” Emily raised an eyebrow in JJ’s direction. JJ smiled in response and tilting her head towards the door. Emily held it open for JJ and locked it behind them. Emily watched JJ as she walked, the small sway in her hips and the way she swung her arms. Emily had always admired the way that JJ could command a room with that walk, her squared shoulders, head up high. Even now, when Emily could tell that JJ was hurting, she could also see her resilience, her will to keep going until things were exactly right. It was one of her best qualities, Emily thought.

Down on the street, Emily turned to JJ. “I want to take you to a museum that I think, as a profiler, you should see,” Emily said, with a tilt of her head, as if asking permission. JJ pursed her lips and bobbed her head, silently agreeing to the plan. “Great. It’s an hour walk, maybe a little more. But I figure we walk, and if something catches your eye, you want to stop somewhere, we’ll pass by plenty of interesting stuff on the way.”

“Lead the way,” JJ said enthusiastically. Emily grinned at her and pointed towards Lambeth Bridge. “We’ll cross over there, and head up through the Gardens. We’ll walk past the Palace of Westminster and Big Ben, and cut up a few blocks from where we got dinner last night.”

They began walking towards the bridge, and Emily noticed JJ keeping a step behind her. “Do you mind if I hold your hand?” Emily asked, slowing her stride until she and JJ stood shoulder to shoulder. JJ thought for a few seconds, and for some reason that Emily couldn’t quite understand, she felt hurt. It was a fleeting moment, though, and soon enough JJ reached out and took Emily’s hand in hers.

It felt strained, Emily couldn’t ignore that, but there was something about it that also felt like it could be natural. As they walked, JJ would casually comment on the weather, or the sights, and ask questions about what this building was, or what that landmark was. It didn’t take long for them to fall into perfect sync, their steps falling in unison. JJ would feel Emily’s eyes on her, but when JJ shot a quizzical look in the older woman’s direction, Emily would only look away.

As they walked, Emily started to notice things that JJ only did when she was nervous. She caught her chewing on the inside of her bottom lip, and clenching her jaw. She noticed the way JJ kept glancing at the ground, taking awkward steps to avoid the cracks in the pavement, counting steps between each one. She tapped Emily’s knuckles in order, from her first finger to her pinky, and then in reverse. Emily knew the signs. 

“I’ve spent all morning trying to read you,” Emily said, breaking the silence. She tried to maintain a light, conversational tone, trying not to betray the hint of desperation that she felt.

“I know,” JJ replied, shrugging and casting a sideward glance at the pale, dark-haired woman beside her.

“Throw me a bone then, Jay,” Emily said. She heard how whiney she probably sounded; her eyes pleaded with JJ. “I know this is awkward, I know I kind of made a mess of things when I left. But I so desperately want to make it right. I know things are going to take time. For me to fix this. For _us _to fix it. I didn’t expect it to happen overnight, but I thought that we had at least made some progress. I don’t know. What can I do, Jay?”__

__“That’s just it,” JJ shrugged. Every time Emily asked the serious questions and JJ wouldn’t meet her eyes, Emily felt a sharp pain in her chest, and she felt like she would fall through the floor. She couldn’t bear the fact that she had so deeply injured this beautiful, gentle, soft woman beside her. “I just need time, Em. It’s good that we’re talking again, it is. But there’s just a lot that feels so unresolved between us. And you’re right. One kiss, one night of talking, after 8 months? That’s not just going to solve everything. I have to go back to DC tomorrow, because I have a 5-year-old son at home waiting to see his mom.”_ _

__The way JJ talked about it, it was as if Emily had somehow forgotten that JJ has a life and a job back home. A son. Something about that stung, the words hitting her like a slap. What gave JJ the right to make Emily feel selfish for wanting them to figure it out? It wasn’t as if Emily was asking her to abandon Henry and uproot her entire life in DC. Emily just wanted a chance to clean up some of the mess that she’d left behind her when she left the United States._ _

__“I know,” Emily said. Though she tried to sound understanding, she could hear the annoyance dripping from her own words._ _

__“It’s not that I don’t want us to work it out, Em,” JJ said. She stopped walking and turned to face Emily, looking her full in the face for the first time since last night. “I just have to think about Henry, too. And that’s what makes this so hard. Because I feel like we don’t have time to dive into everything we need to discuss before I have to go take care of my baby.”_ _

__Emily nodded. Her thoughts from her run this morning came rushing back to her, and she wondered if this was JJ’s way of saying that they weren’t going to happen. She swallowed hard and JJ noticed the slightly quicker blinks, keeping tears at bay. “Look, Em,” she said softly. “We’ll have time to get into it all, eventually. Can we just enjoy today? Please?”_ _

__Emily forced a smile and a quiet, dejected “yes,” and they continued on their way. They spent the day stopping into shops that caught JJ’s eye, visiting museums and libraries and parks, and filled the empty air between them with small talk. It wasn’t bad, but they both wished that they were in a place that they could talk about something more substantial._ _


End file.
